Category Archives: Random Words

Onstage you always smile

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Lorena onstage b&w

“Remember girls, onstage you have to look happy. Always! You have to smile when you dance. When you dance here on a real stage, you have to forget about your tiredness, about your parents, about the public, you have to forget everything except the desire to dance well. Dance to your best ability, dance with joy, always with a smile on your face. Your hands and feet know what to do, now you have to dance your best and smile. It must be the smile of acknowledgment of your effort, of your ability. Your hardest work is the best celebration and joy you will have in life.”

“Please do not dance just to have fun, do not just do something for the sake of doing something. Always do the best you can, do it with purpose, with passion, strive, work hard. Now you have seen the lights turned upon you, wearing a beautiful dress, wearing makeup, may be for the first time in your life. Do you know what it means?”

“This beautiful dress is a part of celebration of your effort and your ability. This dress represents your purpose, it accounts for every hour your spent dancing to be on this stage, it is the beauty of your hard work. Wear it with pride! Wear it with a smile! You are the true owner of this dress now!”

“Today is your last rehearsal, tomorrow the public will be watching you. Forget everything except how well you can dance! Your chin always up, a smile, and only think about the best you can perform! In this accomplishment and in the celebration of it lies the happiness.”

Those were the words of the ballet instructor to the girls who were about to perform onstage for the first time in their lives. Skirts, tutus, little feet running behind the stage. People in black hurrying around, gesticulating, the dresses being steamed, girls rehearsing in the halls, makeup artists, voices. Music, more little feet running up and down the stairs. “The door one?” “Ready.”

I generally do not put the portraits of my daughter on this blog. However, I made an exception this time. I find these two portraits to be a reflection of what she was able to do. I did those shots behind the stage, at night, after the last rehearsal was over. She was very tired. I asked her if she was afraid of dancing onstage and she said she wasn’t. And added that she wants to go back onstage. She just turned six.

Lorena after her baller rehearsal

On the Road to Spain

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“Lorena, Lorena,” the voice was intense and quiet.
“How do you know that my name is Lorena?” she asked.
“I know you. I saw you many times.”
“It is raining,” she observed.
“Do you know that when it rains in Spain it snows here?” he asked.
“Yes,” she whispered.
“And when it rains here it snows in Spain,” he said.
“It never snows in Spain,” she stated in a steady voice.
“Yes. Sometimes it snows in Spain,” the boy insisted quietly.
“It never snows in Spain on Christmas,” she said.
“Spain is the only place where it does not snow on Christmas,” he agreed.
“It does not snow in California on Christmas. California is in America. I used to live in California.”
“My dad goes to America a lot,” said the boy.
“May be he can come to my house in California next time he goes there,” she offered.
“He never stops in America. He just flies the plane there and comes back. He never goes to anybody’s house in America. He flies over the country, that’s all,” the boy observed.
“My dad works in Norway. He also flies there. Then he lives there,” her voice sounded even. She was merely stating a fact. Then she added, “What’s your name?”
“Pablo.”
The whispering stopped and there was silence. The bus was going at a steady speed through the hills of the Pyrenees. It passed green pastures, vineyards, villages with its churches and fields. Fields that were now bright green with patches of red poppy flowers sprinkled along the road.
“Pablo, Pablo,” she whispered.
“What?” he turned to her.
“I was looking for you,” she said.
“I saw horses.”
“I know,” she felt silent and then added, “My dad told me once that if my mom works a lot we will be able to buy a farm in America and five horses. All I want in life is to live on a farm and ride a horse.”
“My dad just bought a new car,” Pablo said in the same low and intense voice.
“We do not have a car here. We get one when we need it. We are going to move to another country soon.”
The bus crossed the Spanish border. Both of them felt silent looking at the road.

Some Other Girl

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My three coffees at El Fornet

So, today is the mother’s day here in Europe. I completely forgot about it. This morning I woke up at 9:44am, which is unusual, as normally 7am would sound about right. Kids are at my parent’s place today! Great! This does not happen very often, thus I appreciate the silence in the morning.

I woke up and read my ipad and stumbled upon a post in a blog I like and it was about a mom, sort of a mother’s day gift.  The post was great and then I realized that I have not congratulated my mom at all. How come I always forget about these things? Then, it got to me that I am also a mom. I never think of myself as one.

Yesterday I was taking my kids to the park and while I was buttoning my suit style jacket my daughter told me, “You do not look like a mom”. I turned to her and asked her how I looked. And she said, “Just like some other girl”. Whatever this means, I took it as a compliment. There we were walking barefoot with my kids in the park…

Grass in the park

I went to the café for breakfast. I am here right now typing all this while finishing my first coffee. I looked at the café’s cakes offering (see the picture below) and it reassured me that it must be a mother’s day here today.  I wanted to ask the girl who made my coffee if it was really a mother’s day, but could not pronounce anything intelligible. I had no voice. Still could whisper. Yesterday I went to the café for dinner and to read the book I just got, and when I was walking home it started to rain heavily. I got totally wet and lost my voice, it happens.  After hearing myself at the cafe this morning, I think this is probably my most attractive voice ever.

Mother's day cakes at el fornet

Yes, it is the mother’s day here in Europe! I checked my email, and I got couple of “happy mother’s day” messages from friends. I also got two awesome emails at my work email, no, not about mother’s day, just about work, straight to the point! Those made my day!

So, today is a great day! After I drink two or three more coffees and read for an hour or so I will go home and work. Because this is what I really want to do. Working makes me think and makes me excited. It feels like I am actually making some difference, creating something from nothings, moving somewhere. Even if we are failing now, we will make it because we are persistent and feel the purpose. We will make it because I can tell people what to do and they will do it. This is a gift I truly value. I have been told that I should go out and enjoy myself, the truth is I hate losing my time at dinners, lunches, having conventional conversations, talking about other people and things, discussing news, etc. It bores me to death. My work is what really makes me excited.

Happy mother’s day to all moms! Do the things you truly love and are passionate about, today and the rest of the days to come! It really does not matter what those things are, as long as you feel it from your heart. And it must be something with purpose.

My favorite corner table at el fornet

ships at el fornetThose are the ship pictures at El Fornet cafe, right in front of my table. I like to sit at this corner table and to glance from time to time, blindly, at the ships while I work. I can see the rest of the cafe from my place too. As a kid, I was excited about ships and learnt to draw them in detail from a technical guide and blueprints. I was preparing myself to build a ship!

Если ты один

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Если ты один, и я одна,
Все белым бело,
Не видно неба.
Грозди грусти слеплены из снега,
Словно сплетни из полотен сна.

Если ты живешь через моря,
А меня как будто бы и нету.

Да и я как будто не одна.

Если не судьба, то пусть весна
Проскользнула гранью до рассвета,
Или не успела, да должна.

Блеск ли губ, иль всплеск зрачков поэта,
Ласки рук, твоя щека до сна,
Пара слов на коже как роса,
С первого весеннего букета.

Поцелуем на висках дыханье лета,
На плече твоем моя рука
Звонкий смех в ночи,
пришла весна!

Или это в чистом небе где–то
Спорят невпопад колокола,
Предвещая целостность полета
Может вместе, может на всегда.

Between Love and Selfishness

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Red roses on Sant Jordi

When we talk about love a lot of times it comes down about satisfying one’s needs. Yeap, in the down to earth approach people are looking to satisfy their needs and desires. They want to hear nice words, receive gifts, be treated like someone special, be the one and the only, be respected, be comforted, be assured. In one word be loved.

This is not love. This is selfishness. And it is completely opposite to what love is.

Love in its essence is giving. Is the ability to give, to be generous, not to expect anything in return. To love is to be vulnerable. To be vulnerable over and over again, even if the other deceives us. To love is to hope. It is to hope that what we give will be accepted and appreciated. It is not about the hope to receive the same gifts in return. Love is never fair. This is why it is wonderful. It is our amazing ability to hope beyond our rationality. And as the life shows, this hope is stronger and more powerful than any rational thoughts or acts. Real love always wins (if one can use the word win here). You just have to ask yourself if what you feel is love (i.e. an impulse to give) or is it a desire to satisfy your needs, to validate your feeling and to get the same in return. These are the two ends of the same line. You have to figure out where you stand. Is it 80/20 or 50/50 or 20/80? The greater is the first number the happier you will be, as the first one depends totally on you.

This morning started at 6am with my son and daughter running around the house. They were excited to give roses to their teachers and friends. It is the Sant Jordi Holiday in Catalonia. As the legend says on that day a cavalier named Jordi slaughtered a dragon to save a princess. From the dragon’s blood red roses grew and Jordi gave one to the princess. Since then, every year on the April 23rd the men give red roses to the women. Not just to the women they are in love with or married to, but to many women that are part of their lives. And women give men a book (sometimes), to remind them of the legend and the cavaliers. It is a beautiful tradition, because it is based on giving. My 3 year old son jumped his way to the daycare with two red roses in his hands. One for his teacher and one for his 2 year old friend Paula. He was extremely happy all the way there and he was extremely shy when he gave the roses to the ladies. It is ok to be shy. This is what to be a cavalier means, to do good things to others even if you are shy or afraid or unsure. As parents I feel we should learn to give with love. This is the only way our children will be able to do so too.

Love (and giving) shows itself in small details, in our everyday life. It is not always easy to practice it. A lot of times we do not notice where we could give, we are too busy, too shy, too self-conscious, too rational. We also have to protect ourselves from the outside world, from others, and we wear our “street” clothing (our selfish selves) with a great smile and encouraging greetings.  We become waterproof. We are aware of our needs and desires more than we are of love and giving.

Once I take my waterproof jacket off, I know that there is one single feeling that is able to illuminate me from inside. It is also the most important thing is life Love.

Note: As the author of this post, I have to add that this very morning I have been mean at least six times and more that I do not remember. To love and to give is not simple at all, it is natural for us to be selfish, but I think we should try to be better when we have a chance and can. If you consciously realize that you can change somebody’s day by giving (a smile, a rose, a nice word, an orange, a gift, some help), then do not shy away, do it! Sort of as a monthly experiment! I will do so too.

Love is an Intensifier

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Pan de la diada de Sant Jordi 2013This is just a regular piece of bread, however, as the Sant Jordi holiday is approaching all the bakeries in Barcelona sell El Pan de la Diada (on the picture above). It is done with cheddar and morcilla (blood sausage). Overall it has a sweetish taste and if you close your eyes you will eat it as any other piece of bread.

Here is a random thought about love. I was searching for an old email in my mailbox this morning, and reread one that ended with the word love. This simple word at the end made the whole email intense and warm. When we add love to something we intensify the meaning, we make each word count more, we offer the feeling of home to the person on the other end. It is interesting to see how the meaning of the message changes if we sign it with hugs, yours, take care or just with our name.

Still love is just an intensifier. Without the subject, the message, the thoughts the word love by itself would not count. Well, may be it would ocassionally. Imagine you receive an email or a message with just one word love. It would make you smile and feel great at the beginning, but if there is nothing behind, the world by itself will become boring and everyday. The word love is empty by itself, however when the message is there it has an amazing effect. It becomes the most powerful, beautiful, desired and encouraging word one can give or receive.

The same goes for the picture of the bread. I sent it to a friend in Russia and she found it wonderful and loved the colors. Colors are intensifiers of our emotions. What we label as love are the new colors that wake up our imagination and curiosity. And there is nothing wrong with it.

I still believe that in a way life and love are about sharing the wine and the bread. And it is about smiling while eating.

Questions in a Personality Test

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This evening I read a blog post on the personality tests. I am not a big fan of those, ok, to be honest I do not remember when was the last time I did one. I am quite skeptical about its generic approach and the results.

Today, I decided to take a different perspective on it. I need to be more self-aware of what I do well and at what I fail. There are obviously things that do not work in my life and to change those, I should do two things. First, I want to be aware of what I am doing wrong and second, I want to know how to “reduce the impact” of whatever I am doing wrong. It is difficult to change oneself and I am not aiming to change myself from one day to another. However, if we are aware about what has been causing our problems, we may look at things differently. We may try to avoid getting into the situations where our less favorable sides shine. Or we may plan ahead to reduce the impact of our wronging (to ourselves and / or to others) if we are aware of it beforehand.

Anyway, I took this test http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp not only because of the results, but because some questions made me think. For example the question 49 is a good one. It asks if you have a good control of your desires and temptations. And I answered “no”. What it means for me, is that I can’t stop “desiring” something by just pushing my rational side forward. I can control how I act on my desires or temptations, but I can’t control what I feel or think. Is that what is causing many of the problems in my life?

Interestingly enough, it seems that questions that make us think while answering them, are the ones signaling us about the potential “pull downs” we are not aware of. The idea is not to change oneself. It is almost impossible as a goal. You will always fail at it and just get frustrated. The idea is to be self-aware of what has been causing problems so far, and how to think and act so as to reduce its impact in the future. The habit of thinking and acting with self-awareness will in longterm lead to the desired changes and outcomes. Or at least it should in an ideal world 🙂

Nights in France

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at night at the hotel

The hotel room ceiling has the shape of a lemon. But you do not see the shape in the darkness. What you see is the shadows of the four hotel-room windows on the opposite walls. And the moving shadows of the trees. It is April and it is well after midnight.

In the silence you can hear two men talking on the street. They are French and they are quietly discussing something. Never-ending sounds of their voices. You can hear them from the hotel bathroom. It is big and light and your eyes get used to the white marble with the grey details. White is all your eyes can see. You lie in the tub and do not think about anything. You get absorbed by the whiteness that surrounds you and by the darkness of the night. You listen to the men talking French.

Then there is silence. And you think why your life is not more normal. Why is that you enjoy listening to two strangers talking French under your hotel window while soaking yourself in the bathtub for over an hour? Why closing your eyes and seeing everything white makes so much sense? We probably like to listen to the stories we do not understand. There is no point in understanding everything. Living the nights is different from living the days. At nights we do not have to explain, accept, comprehend, pretend, persuade. We live things that do not make sense. And shadows sometimes are truer than pictures.

Meeting People I do not Know

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Saturday morning, 10:05am and I am sort of lost in Barcelona. The bus line that I was supposed to take is temporally cancelled and there are two people trying to help me to get where I have to get. And that is to meet fifteen people I do not know. And one that I do.

It was an invitation from my former college professor to get together at his place with a bunch of other folks to talk about cultural differences, judgments and how those affect our understanding of the world. And there we were, about fifteen of us sitting around the coffee table, sharing our perception of different life situations. And we really did not know each other. Lost in names and faces, we talked and listened. I wish I would have listened more and talked less. This is my most honest feedback to myself on today’s morning. Anyway, the things we heard and said were pretty obvious. Nothing challenging or that would change the way we act or think.

Walking back home I could not pinpoint right away what the value of this meeting was. And it occurred to me that sometimes it influences us to hear others say obvious things. It creates a sort of normalcy and the ground for trust. And within this ground we see our own opportunities for growth. The opportunity to be less judgmental, to be better listeners.

Another thing that triggered my mind was the idea of being judgmental. Is there a difference between an opinion and a judgment? From what I understand, and I might be wrong, opinion is how we see things from where we stand. We always have an opinion on the things we are aware of. Judgment, in turn, means judging another person for not seeing the things as we do. It means not accepting that others are looking from a different perspective. We have opinion about ideas and things, and we are judgmental about people and how people act (or react). For example, if I say, “This coffee tastes bad,” I am voicing my opinion on the coffee and my tastes. However, if I say, “You have no taste in food. This stuff is really good,” I am being judgmental. This is a very simplistic explanation, but it escalates to many other situations. The bottom line is that we do not judge ideas, we judge people. We also give people advice, which comes right after voicing our judgment.

Opinion is about ideas and thoughts. I think that the more opinions there are, the better. Listening to the opinions of others makes us richer, it challenges us and helps us to grow. There is nothing wrong with being opinionated. I think, passion is an opinion too, a very strong one, that has the ability to sweep others off their feet. Wondering if you can be passionate without being opinionated. Just thinking.

My Best Meeting Ever

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Doctor Coffee April 3rd

My best meeting ever is a meeting with myself at the cafe. This is where I get really productive. This is when I really enjoy my work, my thoughts, my time.

During the rest of the day I am surrounded by people that expect me to listen to them, to reply, to interact. At the cafe it is just me, my coffee and my laptop. Yes, there are people around me, but these people do not expect anything from me. They are just there living their lives. What an awesome feeling! Wondering if it would be ok to tell the old men on the table next to me that I love him just because he sits there and reads the newspaper? Nope, I probably should not do these things.

They also play music at the cafe. It is great, because otherwise I would never listen to any music at all. I am generally too busy even to think about music, let alone to spare one minute to decide what I feel like listening to, and to actually find that song and hit play. Too many actions and decisions for me, in reality it almost never happens. Apart from music, they bring me coffee. At this cafe, as I come here every day, I do not have even to ask for it. The waiters are my friends. I know their names, they know what I drink.

Here am I on my meeting with myself. Working. And taking ten minutes to type this. Those who think that creating and running their own company is fun… Well, they are right, it is fun. It is hard as hell too. You just do not stop to think how hard it is while you are doing it. It means that your family sees you mostly behind the laptop. And you do not see them. It means that you only play with your kids in between of the meetings, emails and skype calls. It means that your personal life is none existent. You lose your family, you barely keep up with your friends, and the only time you get to breath is when you are in the shower. You wake up and you think about this great idea, thought, feature, you eat breakfast and you think how to bring it to practice or something similar. Nope, you do not think about what you eat. This is why you eat the same breakfast for ten years in a row, you simplify your life to the maximum in anything that is not related to what you do.

You live under a constant pressure. You get used to it. It is the pressure that *you* always have to do something. If you do not do it, nobody will. Thus, you just do it. You get used to the fact that your free time is when you let yourself “relax” and read a chapter of that business book that you wanted to read. And not be productive for two hours. Just be passive and read. All those great books about how to relax and take one day at a time really do not work. Your passion is what creates the pressure. Your passion and the urge to make it real. It is not about money. Hell no! Hard to explain. Most of all it is about gaining back a piece of your own heart.

The cafe is closing. The meeting is over. Out on the street and what a night!

Note: After I hit publish on this post the WordPress suggested I should add “mental health” to the tags. Hmmm…. made me smile more than think.