If it is worth it

May 2016

How many times I have been scared?

When I did anything worth it I was scared. Not scared constantly, but at times. I would proceed my way and move forward with enthusiasm and intensity, but at times I would stop to gaze at the sky, to savor a gulp of coffee, to look at my child and then I would be scared. I would be scared of everything I am doing and of the consequences if I fail. But then I remind myself that everything I did that was worth it in my life was not applauded by my family, it did not seem rational, it was not practical, it was not easy, nobody believed I can do it, many would tell me why do not you do this or that instead? And so on…

If it is worth it, you will be scared at times.

If it is worth it, it will not seem most rational or practical.

If it is worth it, there will be many who will not get it.

And this is great. I mean it. It is great that people can have their opinions and that they can not like what I am doing and still the world is large and we can all live together.

If it is worth it, it will be hard too.

And this is great too. Because hard is not an amount of time, it is an amount of intensity (energy) you put into something. And the more you put on your end, the more you receive. I am not talking just money. I am talking satisfaction. I am talking why we live on this planet and what we can do to make the life better (for the mankind).

At times I am scared at what I am doing now. Ok, those are short instances. Today I started doing the incorporation paperwork for my company and I am hiring people and getting my first investment and I plan to build a French team this summer. And when I get a quiet moment driving from Palo Alto meetings to Sausalito to pick up my kids, I ask myself what the hell am I doing. Because I might as well end up bankrupt in 2 months. And then, ok, I know I am doing it because this is what I want to do and I know it is the right thing even if scary at times. It will have impact on lives of others. And it is sexy mind work.

And then again everything seems alright. The sky is blue. The car goes smooth. And I look forward to the kickboxing in the evening. And I can forget that I am scared.

The dream

I saw you in my dream tonight,
Your eyes narrow, your forehead wide.
And you looked old
Or young was I?

You saw me first, you called my name,
You were with friends enjoying a game
In old French park
In Spanish alley
With stone arch
In bright green ivy.

I heard your voice and looked your way
And took the path to joyful game.
Your negro friend
With strong black hand
Gave me a hug
Or a command?

You were so close in my dream,
Your eyes kind, and wicked as steel.
And I felt frightened at the deal
Of coming night.
The hug was light,
The fire bright.

We stood under the chestnut tree,
Your skin, your mouth, your eyes and me.
“We do not have much luck, do we?”
And I said nothing.

I woke up. It was still dark.