You are not a failure

Blue sky I want to tell this to my children: You are not a failure while you do not give up. None of us is a failure while we keep trying. My daughter did not get accepted to SF ballet school. I know she really wanted to go there. If there is one thing in life that I want to pass to my children it is the strength of not giving up on things that are important to them.

Never cheat yourself out of live, never cheat yourself out of love. Otherwise you will always be anxious, restless, exhausted, unhappy. There will be a handful of things that you will really love doing, those things might not be what you have studied or prepared for. Still, pursue them. You will know with your heart when you are doing the right thing. Never cheat on yourself here.

I have never studied business because my family believed it was not a noble profession for a woman. I studied literature instead because it was “womanly” to do so. My heart belongs to building and running companies. This is the only thing that I enjoy doing. And I know I am good at it because it is almost as if my body knew what decision to make before my mind formulates it. Doing it is a reward in itself. It is the only reward I want. Working in literature would have never made me that happy.

Never cheat on yourself. Never talk yourself out of things your heart is set on pursuing. Do not let failure stop you. There will be so many stops and fails along the road that I can’t even tell you how hard it will be. But it will be worth it because at the end of each day you will look at yourself in the mirror and you will be able to face yourself and feel the peace. And you will know that you are not a failure.

Never cheat yourself out of life, never cheat yourself out of love. You will love others. And they will betray you over and over again. Even the best of them, specially the best of them. Those who you thought would never hurt you or let you down. Even then do not rush to the next stoplight. Breathe, look yourself in the eyes and know your heart. Your love is yours. It belongs to you. Follow your heart and not the words of others. Your road might be longer, but know you are not a failure while you do what is true to you.

Do things you love even if you do not excel for a long while. If those things are in your heart eventually you will become good. It is the heart work and the perseverance that makes great artists, great writers, great dancers, great businessmen. Really, there is nothings else to it.

My son and my daughter, you will grow up fast. As you grow, as you become strong and independent, I am not going to tell you what to do in your life. The only thing I will teach you is to look at yourself every day and be able to face yourself. And love yourself as you look yourself in the eyes. For this to happen I will teach you to never give up on things that are important to you. Never give up on your path, never give up on what you want to do, never give up on your love, never give up on yourself. You are not a failure while you pursue what is in your heart.

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Easy?

I just overheard somebody saying “I have been there with the love of my life” referring to her boyfriend. And it all sounded smooth and easy. Like if this is how it is supposed to be in this world.

Where did I go wrong? Why things are never easy?

At times I feel like an idiot. Like if I have missed something important, exactly this small detail that makes everything smooth and simple.

When I am about to lose my breath I remind myself that my road is longer and will take me higher up the mountain. It requires more endurance and more strength. It is beautiful along the way too. I will walk more windy days and I will sleep uncovered under more starry nights. I will smell more flowers. I will hear more birds sing. My skin will become golden from the sun.

And I will meet somebody I love at the end of the road.

The hard thing is to always find the strength to walk.

A trait of pushing things aside

There are a few things I truly enjoy doing and I have been pushing those aside lately. Or when I did those I rushed through them as not worthy of my time. Or I did them quietly. And I felt guilty liking them when in reality those things made me be me.

-I love baking with the kids. I love baking sweet stuff like cakes, madeleines, brioches, cupcakes. And I love seeing kids around me when I bake and to do it with them. I love how our place smells when we bake here.

-I love having kids over at my place. I love sitting and reading a book on a couch when overhearing kids speak, laugh, joke and make all kind of funny noises. I do not mind them screaming and solving their small conflicts. I enjoy having them around. And I specially love hearing them speak French.

-I love driving and looking at people and places. Long commute does not tire me. I am at peace when I drive. I like the feel of the steering wheel and the gas pedal; I like their resistance and obedience at the same time. Driving is sensual for me.

-I love reading. Just that. Just sitting with the windows open and hearing the sounds of a quiet summer afternoon. The birds outside, the breeze. It feels comfortable. It feels like if the world was made of silk and felt soft and luxurious at the same time.

-I love learning new etudes and minuets on violin. I love it because of the sound and because it takes all my attention. It makes me forget everything else except music and be really present to the strings, the bow, the sound. I belong to myself when I am learning to play music.

-I love my bedroom. It is the most peaceful and relaxing place I have ever known. I do not like clothing too much. I love myself after the shower in a black silk negligee reading in my bed. These are the best moments with myself. All the years I have been married my bedroom has never been mine. I never liked it. It was a pile of furniture and things that belonged to both of us and none of us were passionate about. Just things. Right now it feels like beauty. I am passionate and relaxed at the same time there.

-I love my work. It seems very stressful, but I do not mind this appearance of stress. I like doing things with goal and purpose. And I get to do it every day. With all the business and mess I am not stressed. I learnt how to manage time, people and my own emotions. Stress is created by postponing the right decision. Once you do things stress disappears and you find the beauty of resistance and obedience. And again, it is sensual.

-I love that most of the things I live every day I feel them with my skin. Living is sensual. It is sexual. It is physically exciting. There are few things that I like more than others. Because those excite me right away and make me not think about the past and not dream about the future. It is the sun on my skin; the feeling of the sand under my feet; walking on the shore in the cold ocean water; the taste and the smell of coffee; the warmth of wine when I am thirsty; the moment when it starts raining and I feel my hair getting wet; putting oil on my skin after the bath; talking business to people; sitting in my bed before falling asleep; fighting and seeing people fight. All those things make me live right there.

Many times I felt guilty for feeling the things so passionately. For getting excited with each one of them. In my late teens my mom consulted a doctor, an OB, who was her friend because I was always too excited about everything. The doctor found nothing wrong with me, she said I sensed the things with my body at a much higher rate than other people. Still with my mom’s worries I carried the sense of guilt of living the way I am. I pushed it aside. I rushed through things that mattered the most. I resisted myself.

Somebody told me “be selfish”. Selfish does not mean to push others aside, it does not mean to disregard the people around, it does not mean to put myself in the first place always. It means to stop resisting myself. It means to enjoy (not not to feel guilty for) the small and big things I love doing.

Love is born from selfishness.