It was cold and rainy when we got inside of a restaurant and all I wanted was some hot food and a glass of wine. I wanted not to feel the cold. I wanted my hands to be warm again and to feel good. The friends came and we got the food and the wine. The food was not that good, the wine gave me a headache. My friend asked a lot of questions about my plans for this summer and about the kids and about my recent divorce. It was ok. Not the type of conversations I enjoy.
My son was tired and he was sitting on my lap with his head on my shoulder and it was really good to have him close. Every day I realize that I love my children slightly more than the day before. And then I feel like if I did not love them enough an hour ago. And I told my son that I loved him very much. He told me he loves me too and then asked when we were going to see fishes.
We went outside on the cold street. It was raining lightly. We drove to the Academy of Science. We have not been there for four years. We got inside and I remembered the smell of the place and every small detail of all the exhibits. We used to come here every week, normally every Tuesday when my daughter and my son were small. Then I had a feeling that even though I knew the place inside out I could not find my way. First I could not get the sense of it, then I realized I never used stairs in the museum. Funny. My mind mapped all the routes using elevators because with the kids being small we always had a stroller with us and using stairs was troublesome. Now we walked up and down the stairs and I felt suddenly very vulnerable and on the verge of crying. It was all real. I was real. My kids were real. And we had never used stairs here before. Past and present collided in a weird way. In the same space. Mapping different routes. I stood there and read a museum poster to the kids. And my voice became even again. And my heartbeat went back to normal, but my heart still hurt. Calm, serene, and heartbroken.
I smiled to myself. It was a space I loved so much. I loved the kids and my life now. Past was easy not to remember. I lived it, I accepted it, I went through its pain, then I detached myself from it. I moved forward. However when things like not having ever used stairs in the space I knew like the palm of my hand happened, I knew there was crack made in the hard shell I grew around my heart. Some of the pain was let out, some of the air was let in. It is a lengthy process of becoming real.
I enjoy as a kid the Academy of Science. I like watching fishes and butterflies and experiencing the earthquake and learning about the whales. All those things still take my breath away. I have never learnt how to be a grown up. I take kids to these places, because I still like them much better than hanging in a bar or chatting with my friends. We went to see it all today. Oh boy! What a day!
What a week! Feels like a life. A good life. On Monday I went to court to finalize my divorce paperwork. Then went to work. On Tuesday, after work had to go to the court again. Now all is done. Will be legally single again on October 2nd 2015. Single and fully responsible for my two children. On Tuesday my son got his yellow belt in MMA. One small step at a time. On Wednesday went to work. Then to my MMA class. On Thursday to work and to kickboxing. Had late dinner with a friend and the kids. On Friday kids had a day off. Took them to my work. We left to have a nice lunch and do something special for my daughter’s 8th birthday. (We did our nails 🙂 and bought lots of balloons!). All this time practicing violin, reading books, thinking about work and working. I love my work. I could not love more what I do. Not because it is peaceful. It is not. It is stressful. But it is also real. I am working with real people, helping somebody, building something. Not all the stretches in life are about growth. Some are about just living through a bad moment, making decisions, never losing faith in yourself and in others. I read the other day that in our life the connections we make with others are the most important thing we ever achieve in our lifespan, however we treat those connections as a passing thing, not as a final thing in itself. We focus on material things, not on connections. Connections are the most important part of life.
Once, years ago somebody asked me what was my goal in life. And I said “to be real”. I still have the same goal. And today I felt a little bit more real. A little bit more beautiful. With the headache, and feeling cold, and having two amazing human beings next to me. My kids who I love every day a little bit more. And feeling lost in a museum I thought I knew so well. And thinking about the sounds that the ocean makes when a whale swims at 4,000 ft deep. And having the full responsibility over my kids, and knowing they will be amazing people. And enjoying it. And feeling like a kid myself.
May be I have never matured. I have never lived to a point where I felt secure and taken care of fully. My heart never knew what it is to feel safe. So I made my own life. I built a shell over my heart so that I am not hurt and I can care for myself and my children. And when this shell has a crack, I feel more real than ever. May be I am one thousand years old and I never grew up. I will live forever and I will always be a kid. May be I will meet another kid someday. Somebody like me, responsible, caring, but who still remains a kid. Then we will explore the world together. I have faith we will smile a lot.