Где нет зимы

I found this book on my mom’s table. I started to read it this evening and did not stop till I finished the book. I navigated through two work calls and some emails, but my eyes were seeing only the book cover. Где Нет Зимы. Дина Сабитова.

I have read her books before. However this one was different. It made me feel very human and inhuman at the same time. This happens when I read something that touches me. You go through so many emotions and at the same time you withdraw yourself so much from those. Makes you feel in the middle of two powerful magnets. Two intense opposite currents. Just standing there alone.

Then I sat at the kitchen table while we were having dinner and thought how powerful our thoughts were. We can always rationalize and think about what we feel and why we feel it. Then emotions stop being a turmoil because by thinking we control them. Crying is a way of accepting our emotions. Thinking is another way to accept them. So I thought that it was good to feel what I felt. And it was good reading this book, even if things hurt me at times.

Last week my soon-to-be-ex-husband said that we both come from unhappy families and this is why our marriage was doomed from the beginning. And he added that both of our children will probably have unhappy relationships in the future. He said that my parents are unhappy because in my house we never show emotions openly. And I understand his point of view, it must look unhappy to him. I just see it differently.

So I thought that it was good to be reading this book, and feel sort of pain, and feel that I am human. Way too often I have to be tough, strong, silent, authoritative, take care of everything. When I am in this mode I forget about all the small details, I just have no time for that. I forget to look at the kids one extra time, to smile once more, to do something at random for myself, to listen to a song. Today I reminded myself to be softer. I closed the book halfway and took the kids outside and got them ice-cream. We sat on a bench in front of the ice-cream parlor and they ate their ice-cream, and I kept asking them questions about what they like, what they do, what they plan to do. And then I felt how precious having them was. I knew right there that I will make our home a happy one. There will be laughs, games, friends, books. Life gets very busy, but it is good even with all its businesses.

Past does not mean future. What really matters are the changes we go through.

When I finished the book it was 1am. And it started to rain. And I love when it rains in summer at nights. Thus I sat at my desk and wrote all this, because I did not feel sleepy at all.

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